Insane Entertainment Especially For Cure Fans

Started by SueC, July 28, 2019, 06:11:21

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SueC

There's poetry, and there's poetry.  Two cheery long-time favourites:

Ode To The Amoeba
Arthur Guiterman
1871-1943

Recall from Time's abysmal chasm
That piece of primal protoplasm
The First Amoeba, strangely splendid,
From whom we're all of us descended.
That First Amoeba, weirdly clever,
Exists today and shall forever,
Because he reproduced by fission;
He split himself, and each division
And subdivision deemed it fitting
To keep on splitting, splitting, splitting;
So, whatsoe'er their billions be,
All, all amoebas still are he.
Zoologists discern his features
In every sort of breathing creatures,
Since all of every living species,
No matter how their breed increases
Or how their ranks have been recruited,
From him alone were evoluted.
King Solomon, the Queen of Sheba
And Hoover sprang from that amoeba;
Columbus, Shakespeare, Darwin, Shelley
Derived from that same bit of jelly.
So famed is he and well-connected,
His statue ought to be erected,
For you and I and William Beebe
Are undeniably amoebae!



I Saw A Jolly Hunter
Charles Causley
1917-2003

I saw a jolly hunter
With a jolly gun
Walking in the country
In the jolly sun.

In the jolly meadow
Sat a jolly hare.
Saw the jolly hunter.
Took jolly care.

Hunter jolly eager-
Sight of jolly prey.
Forgot gun pointing
Wrong jolly way.

Jolly hunter jolly head
Over heels gone.
Jolly old safety catch
Not jolly on.

Bang went the jolly gun.
Hunter jolly dead.
Jolly hare got clean away.
Jolly good, I said.
SueC is time travelling

SueC

DIY accounting really is like this:



An ode to general misanthropy:

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Ulrich

It's never enough...

SueC

Something else insane and entertaining from another thread was when one forum member started reversing Cure lyrics recently.  See it here:  http://curefans.com/index.php?topic=3458.msg772000#msg772000

This prompted Brett and me to brainstorm "reverse" versions of Cure song titles from an alternative upside-down universe.  Here's what we came up with:



The Centre Of The Shallow Purple Desert
Photosynthesise
Hate Dogs
Europa Ascent
Freeze Cat Freeze
Harriet And Josephine (Stop, Stop, Stop)
Monday I'm A Misanthrope
The Bottom
Chocolate Bus
Charles Always
Sculptures Of Me
Pull
Right Letter
Always Too Much
Less Than That
Together
Drop
All Dogs Are Technicolour
If Only Today We Could Stay Awake
Why Can You Be Me
Slightly Interesting Footpath


Additions always welcome!  :cool
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SueC

From various Internet sources, with a bit of private ad-libbing:

A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGION & PHILOSOPHY

Taoism: Shiitake happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shiitake happens."
Buddhism: If shiitake happens, it isn't really shiitake.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shiitake happening?
Hinduism: This shiitake happened before.
Mormonism: This shiitake is going to happen again.
Islam: If shiitake happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Judaism: Why does this shiitake always happen to us?
Stoicism: This shiitake is its own reward.
Protestantism: Let this shiitake happen to someone else.
Calvinism: Shiitake happens because you don't work hard enough.
Pentecostalism: In Jesus' name, heal this shiitake!
Catholicism: Shiitake happens because you deserve it.
Zoroastrianism: Shiitake happens half the time.
Marxism: This shiitake is going to hit the fan.
Atheism: No shiitake.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shiitake on Saturdays.
Existentialism: Absurd shiitake.
Agnosticism: What is this shiitake?
Nihilism: Who gives a shiitake?
Deconstruction: Shiitake happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian Science: Shiitake is in your mind.
Moonies: Only happy shiitake really happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, Knock, shiitake happens.
Scientology: Shiitake happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna: Shiitake happens, Rama Rama.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shiitake happening.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shiitake.
Equestrian: Look at all the shiitake in my wheelbarrow!
Eco-Hippy: Shiitake makes wonderful compost!

Prizes will be awarded for additions to the list! :)

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SueC

This is for @piggymirror, who expressed an interest in Australian spiders the other day - and anyone else who's an arachnophile / arachnophobe - and anyone who wants to enhance their experience of Lullaby.  I've had questions like that before, and had compiled a little something on Australian Huntsman spiders.




HUNTSMAN SPIDER TALES

Most Australians are familiar with Huntsman spiders because they are relatively common in gardens as well as in the bush, and will venture indoors from time to time.  They owe their name to actively hunting prey, rather than catching it in webs.  Classified as the Sparassidae, this spider family has over one thousand species spread through Australasia, Asia, the Mediterranean, Africa and the Americas.  There are around 150 Huntsman species downunder, with 95 of these recorded only in Australia.1  They belong to a big spread of genera and are quite diverse in appearance.  Most Huntsman spiders are large, all of them are fast, and the ones in Western Australia are especially hairy.  Huntsman spiders typically have leg spans up to 13 cm.  The largest Huntsman in the world lives in Laos and reaches leg spans of 30 cm.2

The speed of various Australian Huntsman spiders was recently measured, and found to range from an impressive 40+ body lengths per second for a species from Queensland, to a respectable 15 body lengths per second for the slowest species tested.1  Many of them can also jump very well.  No wonder people feel their hearts in their throats when one of these big spiders suddenly appears at top speed.

Huntsman spiders are shy and prefer to hide under bark, logs, rocks and eaves when not out prowling.  If you really annoy them, especially when the females are guarding their egg sacs, they can inflict a painful bite, but they're not venomous to humans.  As hunting spiders who ambush their prey, they have excellent eyesight, courtesy of eight eyes arranged in two rows of four.  Mostly they catch and eat insects (beetles, cockroaches, moths, grasshoppers, etc), plus the odd gecko, skink or other small vertebrate.  They typically live for 2.5 years, which is over double the life span of the average Australian spider.  Most Huntsman species are solitary, while some live together in colonies.


Hairy Meetings

I came to Australia from central Europe at age 11.  There weren't any big hairy spiders like that where I was from. I had no idea of their existence in Australia either for a few months after arrival, but then... Well, my father had bought a largely uncleared 50 hectare farming block and had this brilliant idea that we were all going to clear the land using axes and elbow grease. He organised four axes for the family members and handed them out to us with various exhortations. This phase was an unpopular phase and didn't last long; our neighbours had a good laugh and before too long he bought a tractor.

It was during this early axe-clearing phase that I was chopping down some prickly undergrowth near a large eucalyptus tree with really gnarly bark - a favourite Huntsman habitat, as I was to find out. As I was chopping away, wearing shorts because of the summer heat, I suddenly felt something tickling my knee and looked down - and next thing I jumped about a mile high, because one of those saucer-sized hairy things was running rapidly upwards on my leg. On coming back to Earth, I launched myself straight into a hysterical sort of anti-spider dance, until I was rid of the beastie.

They're not dangerous, but they do tend to put the wind up people when making sudden appearances, especially on your bare legs. Many years later, a colleague at coffee-break recounted driving to work on the Perth-Bunbury Highway and having a similar experience, with the added spicy detail of travelling at 110 km/h: Dressed in shorts because of the summer heat, tickling sensation on leg, had a look and - eeeek! She told us how almost in a trance she calmly and safely pulled over onto the verge, came to a stop, exited her car and then, and only then, rapidly jumped up and down yowling and flapping at herself until she was rid of the beastie.


A Spider Called Freddy

As a university student I once had a pet Huntsman, because I felt the need to behave like a sensible biologist and see these creatures through a bigger lens than mere cultural arachnophobia. The spider just turned up in my room, and I didn't chuck it out. Far from it, I bid it welcome, named it Freddy and saw to it that it had plenty to eat despite being indoors. My laboratory dissection kit had a lovely long probe which was excellent for catching flies and presenting them live as sort of wiggly shishkebabs to dear Freddy. When I had one, I located Freddy and brought the wiggly fly within about an inch of the spider's head. I always had to hold my breath and get really mentally focused so I wouldn't drop the probe when Freddy did his sudden and very spectacular pounce upon the fly.

And so Freddy and I had a happy association lasting many months. I'm sure you're interested in how it ended. Well, one morning I woke up to the sight of Freddy on the ceiling right above my bed, and initially I just marvelled at the amazing ability spiders have to cling to the undersides of relatively smooth surfaces. Their legs have some helpful structures for these sorts of acrobatics and it's all terribly admirable. But then I asked myself the question: Do they ever make a mistake and fall off? And since none of us are infallible, spiders included, I caught Freddy by means of a carefully placed huge glass pickle jar and piece of cardboard to slide between the spider and the ceiling once I had him surrounded. I then carried him in his jar out to the garden to re-unite him with the great outdoors, in which he was free to find his own prey and perhaps a lady spider. With any luck, Freddy's descendants are still out there.


Arachnophobia and Delicacies

Many people experience at least mild arachnophobia, which is why fake spiders remain effective novelty items for the young, and young at heart.  Arachnophobia keeps people away from spiders, which is usually good for people and spiders alike - though many people unfortunately loathe spiders, and kill them on sight.

Spiders though, like sharks, are far more frequently harmed, and even eaten, by humans, than the other way around.  There have been no confirmed deaths from spider bites in Australia since 1979.3   Also, few of us personally know anyone who has been attacked by a shark, but virtually all of us have eaten shark in the form of fish and chips.  Spiders were firmly on the edibles list of nomadic hunter-gatherers throughout the world, and in South America and Cambodia, deep-fried tarantulas are still eaten as a delicacy.  And why not, considering that spiders are closely related to lobsters, and few Westerners would think twice about tucking into those.  Deep-fried tarantula fans describe these beasties as wonderfully crunchy on the outside and delightfully chewy on the inside; a texture contrast us ordinary folk enjoy in potato croquettes or falafels.

While researching this topic, I came upon a delightful story from the 18th Century.  French astronomer de Lalande used to visit the naturalist d'Isjonville each Saturday, and there, to eat such spiders and caterpillars as he could find in the garden.  Eager to be a good host, Madame d'Isjonville began to collect them beforehand so she could serve them to him on his arrival.  Monsieur de Lalande, like many other spider-eating enthusiasts, reported that spiders taste of hazelnuts.4

I used to have this amazingly realistic fake Huntsman spider to put in people's coffee cups, until a colleague I pranked stole it and said that was the tax on pranking him.  (I also had a fake rubber snake that was ultra realistic. It was a loan for a year. The replacement I bought only fools people at a distance.)  The spider came with a magnetic backing so you could hang it onto curtains - very handy. When putting it in a coffee cup, the best thing was to put it in so that the front legs just hung slightly over the rim of the cup.

Huntsmen are harmless, but they still provoke that primal arachnophobic response. I have no issues with them when I know they are there, and was indeed often the person called upon by others to please remove that Huntsman / goanna / other creepy crawly to the outdoors. But the big hairy Huntsman spiders can still get to me if they surprise me - when I didn't know they were there.  And so I scared myself more often with my own fake spider than I scared other people with it - because I kept it in my stationery drawer and would forget it was in there...


REFERENCES

1. www.businessinsider.com.auEverything you need to know about Australian Huntsman spiders, April 2017

2. Wikipedia: Huntsman spiders

3. www.abc.net.au: How your worst fears stack up against reality, January 2018

4. Encyclopaedia of the Animal World, Bay Books, Sydney, 1982; p1709
SueC is time travelling

SueC

This is a fantastic short story about the nature of language, sanity etc.  It was originally brought to my attention by my senior high school English teacher (who exposed us to lots of fabulous stuff) and I've in turn introduced many other people to it.  Well worth reading and thinking about!

https://www.thewhitereview.org/fiction/a-table-is-a-table/
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SueC

SueC is time travelling

SueC

Mmmm... :lol:

QuoteA British woman in a long-term relationship with a 92-year-old German chandelier has been told that her attraction to historic light fittings is not considered to be a protected sexual orientation.

More here:  https://www.theguardian.com/media/2020/apr/14/the-sun-woman-attraction-to-chandeliers-not-a-sexual-orientation-ipso-says
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SueC

SueC is time travelling

Ulrich

https://thehardtimes.net/news/creationist-museum-denies-existence-dinosaur-jr/
Quote from: undefined"One of our patrons arrived at our facility wearing a bright purple shirt that read 'DINOSAUR JR' on it. We want to be clear that a 'junior' era of dinosaurs does not exist," read the statement. "Dinosaurs, however, did live alongside people, which can be seen in all fossil records not planted by the Devil."

Fans of Dinosaur Jr., an influential rock band known for drawling vocals and complex songs with heavy distortion, were perplexed by the sudden denial of Dinosaur Jr.'s existence. Felix Cummins, of nearby Cincinnati, Ohio refuted the museum's statement.

 :lol:  :winking_tongue
It's never enough...

SueC

Quote from: Ulrich on April 20, 2020, 09:00:50https://thehardtimes.net/news/creationist-museum-denies-existence-dinosaur-jr/
Quote from: undefined"One of our patrons arrived at our facility wearing a bright purple shirt that read 'DINOSAUR JR' on it. We want to be clear that a 'junior' era of dinosaurs does not exist," read the statement. "Dinosaurs, however, did live alongside people, which can be seen in all fossil records not planted by the Devil."

Fans of Dinosaur Jr., an influential rock band known for drawling vocals and complex songs with heavy distortion, were perplexed by the sudden denial of Dinosaur Jr.'s existence. Felix Cummins, of nearby Cincinnati, Ohio refuted the museum's statement.

 :lol:  :winking_tongue

ROFL

Why is it that so often in life, this little poem that was in the Prosh charity newspaper in Perth in the late 1980s comes to mind verbatim, as it has ever since that time?


I WISH I WERE A MORON

Happy is the moron
He doesn't give a damn
I wish I were a moron
Oh no! Perhaps I am!




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SueC

Normally it's uncool to post links to other people's problems on an insane entertainment thread, but this one really does qualify so nicely:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/apr/28/i-see-lockdown-as-a-chance-for-more-bdsm-but-my-girlfriend-doesnt

Ms Stephenson (who used to be on Not The Nine O'Clock News, which I used to laugh myself silly over) somehow missed the MeMyselfI-ness of this guy's thinking, but many of the people commenting didn't.  :P

An entertaining spin-off from coming across this epistle and associated commentary is what it has done to the conversations in our own house.

Person 1 stops for a moment to breathe after long languid kissing and says, "I know this is really strange, but I still don't have any urge to tie you to the furniture."

Person 2 replies, "Wait till I really annoy you!"   :evil:


Brett just said to me, "You know, Sue, you can tie me to the mainframe anytime you like!"  :angel  (We use the word "mainframe" for our desktop computer.)

Earlier on I was musing about what I was going to tie him to if that urge ever descended on me.  I was thinking the washing machine or the laundry basket, but Brett says they're not furniture.  I asked him if our shoe rack was furniture, and he thinks it is.  But I would have to bolt it to the floor first, unless I wanted him wearing it like an accessory...

I was wondering if there was any psychological significance to him and me both hypothesising about what I was going to tie him to, but perhaps it's a moot point because he could just hold me down (although not for very long; I trim horse hooves and am used to wrestling with large critters and coming out with an advantage).  Anyway, so I said, "So what would you tie me to, or are you too polite to make such a suggestion?"  He then suggested ratchet strapping me to the sofa.  We're very practical around here and think ratchet straps would be ideal for the job - they're nice and sturdy, they'd actually fit around the sofa, and their breaking strength is several tonnes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While we are on this extremely edifying topic... I remembered something...

When I was a university student, a friend of mine was making dog and cat collars as a sideline to finance her PhD in entomology.  One day she had a phone call asking if she could make some custom collars, and she asked, "Is this for a special size dog?"  Errrr, no, they said, it's for people, let us send you a catalogue to show you what we mean.

Upon receipt of this in the mail she phoned me and said, "Sue, you've got to come over and look at this!"  We spent an afternoon laughing over a catalogue.  OMG!  Get this!  Hahahaha!  :lol:
SueC is time travelling

Ulrich

It's never enough...

SueC

Yes, another thing you can do with people like this is to take tweezers into the meeting to pull out your nose hairs to stay awake and give yourself something different to think about!   :1f632:  XD

...or maybe you could actually pull out their nose hairs... :evil:

SueC is time travelling