Insomnia & speculation

[SueC]

P.S.: I'm glad I don't even know what Occam's Razor is or means. 

Would you like some light background reading?    It may help tremendously with insomnia! 

It won't help you with managing your beard, that's for sure.

[Ulrich]

No, thanks, but I'd like to add some speculation to this topic. 

Scenario 1:
Robert rings Simon.
RS: Hi Simon, what's going on? I hear you're posting strange things on FB?
SG: FB? I haven't been on for a while... maybe it's been hacked, let me check.

2 days later, the phone rings again.
RS: Hey Simon, have you still not checked what's going on FB?
SG: Sorry Robert, I forgot, I was out on my bike and I met ... and we had a few pints, you know how it goes...

Scenario 2:
RS: Hey Simon, don't worry, even if I play with Gorillaz, you're still my main man and soon we'll be out on stage again and we'll do a huge farewell tour and then you can live with all your grandkids in a big house and so on.
SG: Ok, Robert.

Scenario 3:
Reeves, Roger and Jason travel to Simon's abode. In the driveway they pick up a tree trunk, which a storm has left lying there...
Door opens, they go: "Hey Simon, this is not just a band, it's a gang and you can't just leave like a girly with PMS. Understood? If not, we'll whack you over the head with this tree trunk."
SG: "Ok, understood."

           

[SueC]

Bwahahahaha!   

PS: Don't ever complain to me of insomnia again, then!   

[Ulrich]

I decided it's better to move this (even though it's not totally off-topic, shoot me...)!

[Ulrich]

It won't help you with managing your beard, that's for sure.

What do you know about my beard????   

[SueC]

I decided it's better to move this (even though it's not totally off-topic, shoot me...)!

I can't, I don't have your GIF! You'll have to shoot yourself! 

It won't help you with managing your beard, that's for sure.

What do you know about my beard????   

What I learnt from the science textbook. That you grow one at puberty if you're male, and then have to shave it ever after, or start looking like a Yeti. 



Which seems incredibly inconvenient. On the other hand, if you just grow it, you probably have to shampoo and condition it all the time, and it's going to make you less aerodynamic as well. And, as I once asked a housemate who was dating a bearded guy - "Is this like oral sex at both ends?" Is it like, please note. Not, is it exactly the same.

Anyway, Occam's Razor is not a good tool for beard management. (Even though, predictably, the term has now been used for branding one type of disposable razor.)

[SueC]

No, thanks, but I'd like to add some speculation to this topic. 

Scenario 1:
Robert rings Simon.
RS: Hi Simon, what's going on? I hear you're posting strange things on FB?
SG: FB? I haven't been on for a while... maybe it's been hacked, let me check.

2 days later, the phone rings again.
RS: Hey Simon, have you still not checked what's going on FB?
SG: Sorry Robert, I forgot, I was out on my bike and I met ... and we had a few pints, you know how it goes...

Scenario 2:
RS: Hey Simon, don't worry, even if I play with Gorillaz, you're still my main man and soon we'll be out on stage again and we'll do a huge farewell tour and then you can live with all your grandkids in a big house and so on.
SG: Ok, Robert.

Scenario 3:
Reeves, Roger and Jason travel to Simon's abode. In the driveway they pick up a tree trunk, which a storm has left lying there...
Door opens, they go: "Hey Simon, this is not just a band, it's a gang and you can't just leave like a girly with PMS. Understood? If not, we'll whack you over the head with this tree trunk."
SG: "Ok, understood."

           

Now that is the kind of speculation I can enjoy, because it's obviously just tongue-in-cheek and it's been presented in creative form. Also, if you canvass a range of scenarios, you're not saying, "Well, I think THIS particular thing is going on." Reading this, it's very tempting to make up more and more outlandish hypothetical scenarios. Let's see...

Scenario 4

Space aliens stage a stealth invasion of Earth because they have waited 13 long years for a new Cure album and they can no longer bear the suspense. They go to Simon's house and secretly interfere with social media accounts he hardly ever uses. They do this when he's out on a 50-mile bicycle ride 🚴 and to avoid detection, go in under cover of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Afterwards they return, chuckling, to the mother ship hidden in the woods, jump on the Internet and watch the typical human shit storm unfold.

The aliens don't want to annoy Simon, they just want to stir the pot a bit because they are impish and a bit immature. They actually love Simon and they think he's the best bass player this side of Andromeda. In compensation for their practical joke, they have left him several dozen crates of craft beer, which will also hopefully serve to distract him from going on the Internet or answering his telephone when he returns from his bicycle ride. 🚴

This actually works, and as a result, his perplexed bandmates cannot contact him by phone or email. Meanwhile, the space aliens have made an invisible shield around the perimeter of Simon's house. Simon has no idea any of this is going on and is delighted with the craft beer.

The naughty space aliens then plot their next move...

[SueC]

Further Alien High Jinks

After their naughty little excursion to Simon's house, the aliens are keen to create more havoc and fly their spaceship to a woodland near Robert's abode. Using Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and beam-me-up technology, they sneak in and interfere with Robert and Mary's washing machine at midnight, install a spy camera in the laundry on their way out, and, giggling gleefully, beam themselves back to their spaceship. There they set up telecast to their big screen and make tonnes of popcorn.

They enjoy the telecast of Robert appearing near the washing machine a couple of hours before dawn with a big, well-filled laundry basket. Clearly it's either his turn to wash, or it's one of his chosen ongoing household responsibilities - there's more than one way to achieve fairness in a relationship. But the machine refuses to work, making blipping sounds instead, so Robert sighs and gets out his toolbox. He's only got a couple of hours before bedtime and really wants to get that washing on the line at the crack of dawn.

While Robert is thusly spending extra time with the washing machine, the aliens know he likely won't be popping onto social media to discover their naughty practical joke. They also know there is another reason it is good for his mental health to keep him away from that cesspit of human "discourse" at this time; on a daily basis, he is inundated with whiny messages from fans asking when the new album is coming out. It doesn't seem to occur to these fans that their empty-headed bombardment of their idol is counter-productive to their tunnel-visioned desires for that long-awaited album. Such insight would require multiple neurons.

After letting Robert tinker for twenty minutes and enjoying their popcorn, the aliens remotely reverse the electronic jinx with which they afflicted the appliance. Win-win: Robert will get the washing on the line by the crack of dawn, and the aliens have reduced the likelihood of him discovering their little social media joke. Also, Robert is now in an excellent mood, because he thinks he successfully fixed the washing machine. This results in him looking around for more little things to fix while waiting for the first load of washing to finish - as you do when you're on a roll. Wasn't there some paint peeling on the western barge? It would only take a ladder, a dropsheet and half an hour to get started sanding that, and we all know 1) that the preparation is actually the hardest part of a little paint job, and 2) that making a start on a task makes it more likely that you'll be finishing it before too long.

[SueC]

Aliens Thwarted By Unusual Force Field

The aliens now embark on an excursion to Reeves' place, but find themselves unable to teleport into his aura of cool, which they discover extends fully 30 metres out from his person at all times. They therefore have to wait until he leaves his house before checking out his guitar collection. When they get a chance, they pore over the guitars with magnifying glasses and make alien sounds of fascination and reverence.

Since our aliens have tentacles instead of digits, the playing of guitars is difficult for them. The moisture levels and sensitivity of their integument renders them extra sensitive to even tiny electric currents, so they don't dare to plug in any of the electric guitars to try them out. But even with this precaution, there are fundamental difficulties trying to depress cheesewire-like metal strings with soft tentacles lacking any kind of mineralised internal skeleton. Even human novices on stringed instruments find their initial playing time limited by the formation of blisters on their fingertips. Calluses eventually come to the rescue, but not when you have tentacles.

The aliens therefore mostly content themselves learning how to pluck open strings with their suckers. After several hours of this ecstatic activity, they sense Reeves' aura of cool approaching and, after carefully replacing everything exactly as they found it, quickly teleport back out.

It is a little-known fact that our aliens' tentacles make tentacle-prints. While human fingerprints have unique patterns of loops and whorls, our aliens' tentacles print tiny runes in which stories of cultural importance are told.

This fact might never have had any practical relevance for Reeves, if he didn't have such a close relationship with his guitars. But upon his return, his guitars telepathically call out to him because strangers have plucked their strings.

Reeves has an interest in forensics (he's cool), so he gets out his dusting powder and his special lights. He now discovers there are tiny runes all over his guitar bodies. It turns out Reeves has also taken advanced courses in the deciphering of runes - so now he has an interesting project to work on. It's a good thing he has already recorded all of his contributions to the new Cure album, otherwise he would have to take systematic photographs of the runes and work from those. But because he has been conscientious in his responsibilities as a Cure member, he can now afford to take time to study the runes directly, and to decipher important cultural stories from an alien civilisation, while other Cure members are still getting daily headaches because of the new album.

[Pongo]

I don't buy the space alien theory. At least it has some serious problems. Since alien spacecraft run on craft beer, how can they afford to spare so much of it for Simon to drink? Unless they have built a brewery on the far side of the moon (very unlikely, good luck with growing hops on the regolith) they won't make it back to any mothership that is outside viewing distance from earth.

[SueC]

Bwahahaha, @Pongo!    What an expensive way to run spaceships - unless, do you happen to know the kilometres per litre figures for various models/situations/types of beer? ...are there any craft beers with alcohol concentrations high enough to run combustion engines, or is it a different technology you have in mind, such as perhaps electrolysing the beer first? In which case, would it not be cheaper to electrolyse water instead - or am I, as an acknowledged ignoramus on the subject of craft beer, missing something important here?

If I am going to speculate how they had enough beer for Simon (if their craft indeed runs on beer), here's some possibilities:

1) They saved enough fuel by camping longer than originally intended in various UK woodlands so they could divert some to Simon - perhaps considering it a good bargain

2) Perhaps they bought extra craft beer locally in the UK courtesy of an extraterrestrial arts funding package - considering they view The Cure as highly significant to the cultural life of their planet

I am sure there are many other possible explanations I have not yet considered. 

[Pongo]

One might think that the spaceships run on beer with a very high concentration of alcohol, like the Tactical nuclear penguin.



But it doesn't seem to be this that is providing the power to the interstellar engines of alien spaceships. The latest research says it has more to do with the length of the beard of the hipster that brewed it. But whether it should be long or short, none of the scientists seems to be able to agree on.

Both of your explanations would require possible exposure to the UK public. But maybe they can just say they are on the way to a Doctor Who themed costume party. They are, after all, awfully clever in that way.

[SueC]

One might think that the spaceships run on beer with a very high concentration of alcohol, like the Tactical nuclear penguin.



But it doesn't seem to be this that is providing the power to the interstellar engines of alien spaceships. The latest research says it has more to do with the length of the beard of the hipster that brewed it. But whether it should be long or short, none of the scientists seems to be able to agree on.

This is really interesting. Do you think it's possible craft beer derives some of its magical powers from the presence of hipster facial hair in the brewing vat?

...I've seen people wear caps on their head-hair in food/drink production environments, but not seen them wearing caps over their beards.

Bundaberg Rum famously added to their beverage's magic when mummified goats were found in some of their outdoor fermentation tanks, late last century. 

Both of your explanations would require possible exposure to the UK public. But maybe they can just say they are on the way to a Doctor Who themed costume party. They are, after all, awfully clever in that way.

Well, they are, aren't they, and Dr Who costume parties are always a good excuse. 

Though, they might actually have avoided exposure to the public when leaving Simon those crates of craft beer, if it was their own beer, brewed on their own craft, in a special little microbrewery there. If there's anything spatially transcendental about their ship, as there is with a TARDIS, then accommodating an on-board microbrewery is not a problem.

As to whether Simon would have been interested in labels of craft beer unknown to him, I can't say. But maybe the clever aliens were ahead of that too, and printed well-known labels (easily obtained via Internet, or roadverge searches under the invisibility cloak) to stick to their own product. Or maybe they're too ethical for that, and/or have too much belief in the quality of their product to mislabel it.

Regarding the second possibility slated in my previous post, exposure to the general public could potentially have been avoided with, for example, this scenario: At one point when the aliens land their craft in various bits of UK woodland, there's a Dr Who fan they didn't see camping solo in their tent. They get super excited about the spacecraft and make contact with the aliens, applying to be a human companion and guide. The Dr Who fan and the aliens are both friendly, and neither are obligate carnivores, so this proposal is safe and enjoyable for both sides, and is accepted. Now the human companion can be the go-between for purchases of local UK craft beer etc.

I currently have no information as to whether the aliens have facial hair, or are capable of growing any. If not, or if it's somehow less magical than human hipster facial hair, I suppose they can obtain some of the human variety under cover of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak - or perhaps directly from their human companion, if they are also a hipster - unless this companion is female or a prepubescent male, but then they could still be sent on an errand for obtaining good-quality hipster facial hair samples - perhaps from a relative, or a barber shop...

[Pongo]

Do you think it's possible craft beer derives some of its magical powers from the presence of hipster facial hair in the brewing vat?

I don't think there's any magic involved here. This can be explained by rationality. Obviously, the hipster who is capable of grooming his beard just right is also capable of getting the beer just right for spaceship engines. But the mystery still remains, what is it that they do to it to make it so potent? A group of Cornish enthusiasts think it has to do with getting the bitterness level at an exact 77 IBU. I have no idea why that is.

Bundaberg Rum famously added to their beverage's magic when mummified goats were found in some of their outdoor fermentation tanks, late last century. 

Sounds like biodynamic potion making to me. Just wait until the aliens get wind of this, I'm sure they'll be interested.

Regarding the second possibility slated in my previous post, exposure to the general public could potentially have been avoided with, for example, this scenario:...

Yes, I'm sure this is what happened. The aliens nearly blew it though. One of the aliens, the one who is slightly stupid, had got their cover story a bit wrong and kept referring to Dr What. The human thought, however, it was a hilarious joke.

As to whether Simon would have been interested in labels of craft beer unknown to him, I can't say.

Simon has an open mind. He loved it and started researching the craft beer market for where to obtain more of the fine stuff. As every supplier turned him down as they never heard of this make of beer, he, now three sheets to the wind, broke down and while creeping on the floor one could hear him growling about how all the micro-breweries had turned on him. "Oh, the disloyalty!"

accommodating an on-board microbrewery is not a problem.

Yes, this opens up great possibilities. The questions is just whether they have a barber onboard, to keep the beards at the right length and style.

From what I've heard, the aliens do have facial hair. But it's the women who grow beards. However, the women are called men (and yes, the men are called women), and have a penchant for watching football and are driving rather recklessly.

[SueC]

The Aliens Discover Hidden Talents

The aliens prepare to visit Jason's house next, and rack their brains over what gift to make him. They're adamant about getting him a gift and very keen to find him something special because even aliens can see Jason is a good bloke. He literally exudes goodwill and bonhomie. They were impressed too by his recent charity swim, which they saw on Alien TV (their planet's cultural channel specifically devoted to earthlings and their doings). Alien TV also frequently broadcasts Cure concerts, table tennis, Dr Who, Attenborough documentaries, poker competitions, dry stone walling, etc.

Craft beer, which would be the easy option, simply will not do here. Jason is an athlete. The aliens want their gift to benefit his fine physical condition, not to destroy it. Finally they settle on obtaining for him a large wheel of traditional Wensleydale Cheese, from a Yorkshire creamery. It is a delicious source of complete protein and various beneficial minerals. Our aliens are well-informed, and have read the study comparing the performance of milk with that of commercial "sports" drinks laden with sugar, artificial colouring and flavouring, in recovery from endurance events and resistance training. Milk won hands-down here.

The aliens therefore take a little trip to Yorkshire in their spaceship. Their human friend and companion obtains the cheese wheel, and then they all embark on some sightseeing while in Yorkshire. First order of business: Our aliens are keen to find a good slope, so they can try the British sport of downhill cheese rolling, which they saw on Alien TV. They find that their Wensleydale wheel is better suited to downhill rolling than the traditional Double Gloucester, as it is wider and therefore more stable. After a highly active and fun morning of cheese rolling, the aliens make inevitable jokes about food miles as they stow the Wensleydale securely on board their ship.

A couple of days later, the aliens are ready to visit Jason's place. They steer their craft to some woods near his house before discreetly beaming themselves into it, early in the morning, when he's off doing some wetsuited ocean swimming and they know they will have several hours before he returns. After lovingly depositing the Wensleydale wheel in the centre of his dining table, and decorating it with a single tulip, they go in search of his drum kit, which they find in a well-appointed basement.

While our aliens thoroughly enjoyed trying out Reeves' guitar collection recently, they are sadly aware of their anatomical limitations with these instruments. A drum kit, however, is a different proposition for them. Here they have a head start: Jason and other hominids typically have four appendages each. Our aliens have eight each. (If you're surprised by our aliens having the same number of tentacles as terrestrial octopods, you might like to study parallel vs convergent evolution.)

Not only do our aliens anatomically outshine human drummer-percussionists - they also have a fantastic sense of rhythm. So much so, indeed, that when they take turns at Jason's drum kit, they discover they are all naturals, and the neighbours who are listening in remark to each other, "Isn't Jason in fine form again today!"